Once Upon Bill Nye the Science Guy…

Written and voiced by Laurie Weaver

Originally written during our weekly writing group, Write it Up Burbank, and recorded for episode 114 of my podcast, Compulsive Overeating Diary.

Story Background

To give you some background on Today’s story, It’s one I wrote for the writing group that Mark and I attend – where we get a prompt, write for 30 or 40 minutes and then read our creations aloud. Well this week, once I was done, all that heard it in the group, INSISTED I record it for you for the show. It is certainly not the story I ever THOUGHT of writing, but came from one of the most unusual writing prompts ever.

Now, as I have explained in the past, I am NOT the most meme aware, or the latest BIG THING thing aware, and most cultural references pass me by… but Arliss, an intelligent and talented member of our group, brought in a BIG THING for us to try. A strange and snarky social card game called

Cards Against Humanity

It is certainly different…

I shall now quote from the game creator’s website

Cards Against Humanity is a party game for horrible people. Unlike most of the party games you’ve played before, Cards Against Humanity is as despicable and awkward as you and your friends.

The game is simple. Each round, one player asks a question from a black card, and everyone else answers with their funniest white card.

Back to my own opinion

And SOME of the cards have racist, sexist, anti-­‐EVERYTHING, horrible bathroom humor mixed in with random silliness. And Being well on my way to being a certified Old Poop candidate I was horrified! Well I did my best to chose the least offensive answers possible (totally screwing the intent of this extremely popular game) But I have to admit, we did have some funny results. We decided after playing some rounds, that we would pick from the questions and answers we won, to write our stories.

I ended up with the following 3 questions and answers to pick from to create my story.

  1. Studies show that lab rats navigate mazes 50% faster being exposed to… Stormtroopers
  2. When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50 foot statue to commerate
    …Bill Nye The Science Guy (and for those not familiar, Bill Nye the Science Guy is a nerdy TV personality in the US who has made science fun for kids for YEARS.)
  3. What do old people smell like?…Christopher Walken.

Christopher Walken is a US actor. I’ll quote from his mini-­‐bio on the IMDB

Nervous-­‐looking lead and supporting actor of the American stage and films, with sandy colored hair, pale complexion and a somewhat nervous disposition. He won an Oscar as Best Supporting Actor for his performance in The Deer Hunter (1978), and has been seen in mostly supporting roles, often portraying psychologically unstable characters, though that generalization would not do justice to Walken’s depth and breadth of performances.

So, with THIS multitude of material from which to work, with apologies to Mr. Walken and Bill Nye the Science Guy, here is today’s story, unedited from the original I wrote in my notebook.

Story Transcript

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who was madly in love with Bill Nye the Science Guy. But her father, the king, insisted she marry a crotchety old geezer who smelled just like Christopher Walken.

Still in her night shift, on the day of her wedding, she snuck out of her chamber and scurried through the long and chilly corridors of the palace until she turned left six times, right five times, and came at last to her heart’s desire…the palace lab.

Therein, Bill Nye the Science Guy was very busy repressing his grief over his soon-­‐to-­‐be lost love, the princess, by running graduated time trials with his favorite white rats, Horace and Greely in a state of the art maze.

“Darling!” The princess gushed and ran straight to Bill Nye the Science Guy wrapping her arms around his white lab coat in bliss.

“One moment, Princess,” Bill Nye the Science Guy held her back with one hand while clicking the button of a precision quality Swiss-­‐made stop watch with the other while Horace and Greely scampered, like, well rats through the maze.

“Hmmm, 20 seconds flat, they’re becoming more aerodynamic,” Bill Nye the Science Guy pondered, brow furrowed, looking stern, yet thoughtful.

“Oh darling!” The princess swooned. She loved when Bill Nye the Science Guy talked all sciency like that.

“Now Princess,” Bill Nye the Science Guy turned his horn-­‐rimmed attention her way, “Shouldn’t you be….er..getting ready for the chapel?”

“Let’s run away Darling. You KNOW I’ll never love another.”

Bill Nye the Science Guy patted her head awkwardly,
“Sir Snevly isn’t SO bad Princess.”

“He smells like Christopher Walken!” The princess gulped and burst into tears.

“4 out of 5 people surveyed say Christopher Walken smells pretty good,” Bill Nye the Science Guy tried to comfort her.

Just then, 1 million Stormtroopers burst into the lab surrounding the odd couple with sharpened lances.

“Princess, by order of the King, you must come forthwith.”

“I won’t!” The princess stamped her foot.

“Hold on, hold on!” Bill Nye the Science Guy exclaimed and all turned his way expectantly.

“I do believe Horace and Greeley just went 50% faster through the maze.”

“No!” gasped the stormtroopers.

“Let me double check,” said Bill Nye the Science Guy. “Yes! The stopwatch confirms it.”

“Darling!” Exclaimed the princess admiringly.

“What’s going on here?” Thundered the King who Majestically swept into the lab.

“I’ve solved the rat conundrum,” said Bill Nye the Science Guy.

“That’s right Sire, he did!” agreed the stormtroopers.

“In that case, I shall erect a 50 foot statue in your honor,” said the King.

“My thanks your highness,” said Bill Nye the Science Guy bowing deeply. “But do you think I might marry your daughter instead?”

“Please Daddy…please…please…please?”

“Oh very well,” said the King “I didn’t want to spend the rest of my days smelling old Snevely anyway.”

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